December 5, 2012 § Leave a comment
So I was up in New Jersey last week with a national TV crew, and they went into McDonald’s for literally five minutes, during which time I managed to get propositioned for sex and learn a new slang word from two fine gentlemen with gold teeth. Granted, I did kind of immediately set the tone for the conversation. I was standing outside of the SUV to smoke a cigarette (I’ve quit since I got the dog and am now on Day 4, and I know I can do it) and I watched as these two men were flailing around in the back of their trunk.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“We’re trying to get the door to open,” the bigger one responded, sauntering over, taking my, “What are you doing?” as the seduction tactic it so obviously is.
But then I did say something that I suppose the average person wouldn’t. Honestly, I wasn’t trying to sexualize the situation, I was just going for the joke, but I also recognize that I’m an adrenaline junkie shit-starter so I probably realized that this was exactly what was going to happen. So here’s what I said.
“It looks like you were fucking the car,” I said.
The big dude smiled and pulled out his phone.
“You’re pretty,” he said. “You hear that today?”
“Yes,” I said, suddenly becoming super prissy. “From my boyfriend.”
I have no boyfriend.
“When did he say it?” he asked.
“Um, when I woke up.”
“Okay, good,” he said, moving ever closer. “He better be saying that right when you wake up.”
“Well, he is. That’s just how my boyfriend is.”
My boyfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend.
“Give me your number,” he said.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said. “I think we should just have this magical moment for what it is. You know, we’ll always have the McDonald’s parking lot.”
I started nervously eyeing the door of the fast-food restaurant wondering when the producers were coming out.
“Let me ask you something,” he said. “How much would it cost for a night with you?”
“Uhhhh, what the hell,” I said. “I’m not a fucking hooker.”
Was he a closet “Dr. Drew” fan, too?
“I know,” he said. “Look. We all got bills to pay. I understand that. You can’t be waking up on that wet spot for nothing.”
“Wow,” I said. “Yeah. That is well put.” read more
ART: John Virtue